The wind is cold. It whistles through me and whispers down my neck. It has the touch of spiders.
I love you mummy and it hurts. I hate you and that hurts worse.
I miss my daddy. I miss our home. Why did you take me away? My dollies will go silent without me. The pram won’t squeal ‘happy‘ the way it did for me. The scooter will stop moving and lie down and die. My trike will want someone to squeak it as it pedals but my feet are not there. My feet are in the no-place place.
Is daddy still there? Is he lonely like me? It’s been so long since I’ve seen him. Maybe he’s forgotten me. No-one remembers me anymore. Mummy is gone too. Am I so bad?
I don’t know anyone here. I don’t want to. I don’t like her. The dog scares me. It speaks bites with its eyes. This place is creepy and that strange girl stays in bed all day. It smells bad here.
What will happen to me? She says I must go to school. School is no fun with no friends. The teacher teaches silly stuff, except the words in the story books. There is a blue sky, with clouds that look like small animals and scary monsters, but she talks on and on about nothing. Her voice make swooshing sounds in my head. School goes on and on and on like that.
I want to paint pretty pictures and put them on these ugly walls. I want to fill up books with my words, even though I don’t know them all yet.
I want to sing till the birds stop singing so they can listen to me. And dance till the trees join in. I want flowers and birds to jump on my walls and grow there until i t is a jungle and I can hide in it. I’ll have lots of furry friends and feathered ones too. This time they’ll be real, not like my teddy that was left behind.
I’m sorry teddy. I miss you too. Don’t forget me.
I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE!
If I’m noisy they don’t hear me, if I’m silent they don’t see me.
WHY DID NOBODY ASK ME?
I HATE IT HERE! I HATE IT I HATE IT IHATEIT!!!!!!!!
Pretend you didn’t hear that you adults with no ears and no eyes and no warm stuff inside. My teddy had better stuffing than you. Maybe that’s why he was left behind. Maybe that’s why I was. Maybe …
I want to scream and scream and scream but nothing comes out. It gets stuck in my throat and won’t let me swallow and hurts my tummy so food won’t go down, then it leaks out my eyes and my nose till my chest hurts and I get hot and cold all at once.
I want to lie down and sleep and sleep and never wake up. Maybe then he’ll come back and take me away. I want him to be here where I can touch his face and stroke his beard and see his soft-smiley-sad-funny eyes. I want to listen his voice again. Hear love-words that go inside and stay there like magic spells only better. Put my small hand in his big one. Have him cuddle me and talk to me like I matter. Maybe if I slept long enough I might never come back. Maybe I could stay with him forever and ever. Maybe …
He said ‘one day’. Maybe today? No-one would miss me, would they?